The holiday season can be a magical time for families. Baking cookies, attending a tree-lighting ceremony, enjoying hot chocolate by the fire – it’s the simple moments like these that can mean the most. But for a foster kid, this time of year can bring up a lot of memories, and those memories can sometimes be painful.

Being away from family during the holidays can heighten behavioral problems, and this can take a toll on you and your foster child.

So how can you be prepared to manage this?

1. Don’t take it personally.

   One of the most important things you can do is accept that it’s not about you. Acknowledge that new behavioral issues may increase during this time and be a little more patient and flexible in handling these issues. Many foster kids will avoid their feelings rather than acknowledge them. While they may like to act like this is their new normal, ground them by referring back to their treatment plan. Your willingness to talk and be there for your child can go a long way.  

2. Be open to new holiday traditions.

   Remember that every family has traditions. What may be a typical holiday for you, may not be the same as the traditions they celebrated at home. As hard as it can be, try not to push your own agenda. Be open to introducing new traditions while still inviting them to join in yours. However, be mindful that they may not want to participate and be sure to provide them with alternative activities.  

3. Allow for more family visitation.

   Depending on the circumstances, be willing to flex your plans to accommodate extra family visits. Visitation may have to be approved by the county or agency, so be sure to reach out to any providers involved. Even a short family visit can make a difference. However, if the child is resistant to the idea, don’t push them. Given the nature of the holidays, these visits can stir up even more emotions, so be sure to check in with your child more often.  

4. Stay busy and distracted.

   A busy schedule can keep the unfriendly thoughts at bay and with extra time off during the holidays, you will need to plan more activities to fill the time. To keep the kids entertained, try ice skating, doing a family craft, or watching holiday movies. There are plenty of free holiday activities for you to do with your family. You can find some examples here.  

5. Remember loved ones.

   Find positive ways to remember the child’s family. Visitation is not always possible, so allowing your foster kid to create a holiday card or homemade gift to send home can make the child feel more connected.  However, be aware that if the child is new to your family, they may not be ready to open up to you in this way.  

6. Put yourself in the family’s shoes.

   It’s not easy being away from your child during the holiday season. Sharing updates or photos with the bio family can create a better relationship between you and the family and remind the child that the goal is reunification. Not all your efforts to reach out to bio families will be welcomed. Be sure to involve your case manager. Find the middle ground between celebrating the joys of the holidays and respecting that this time of year may be lonely for some.  

7. Most importantly, be there for them.

   Let your foster child know that you are there for them and show them that they are loved. Every case is different and some kids may have a harder time than others. Don’t go into the holiday season with the expectation that everything has to be perfect. Being aware and being prepared is the best thing you can do.