“I could never be a foster parent – I’d be afraid of getting too attached.”
Let’s be honest, haven’t we all thought this?
Acknowledge: It’s OK to Feel what you Feel
First and foremost, it is OK to experience fear of attachment when deciding on becoming a foster parent. These feelings are normal; don’t be afraid to acknowledge these feelings outright. Shame keeps us from having the conversation and could be holding you back from making a significant impact in a child’s life. Also, we often fear that we are alone in our feelings. Foster parent support groups are a great way to share your concerns with other families who have perspective and insight into handling fear of attachment. To move past these challenging and conflicting feelings, we must first understand the underlying reason behind why we fear becoming “too attached” to a child.
Why Do We Fear Attachment?
Fear of attachment is actually fear of the unknown. You may feel unsure about how you will emotionally react once a child moves on from your care. It is also a fear of loss; you may even be concerned about experiencing and managing grief, especially in such a transient circumstance. While these feelings can be uncomfortable, they are expected reactions to change. Furthermore, some of these feelings aren’t as they seem. For context, if you establish and sustain a strong relationship with a child even when they are no longer in your care, you can never truly lose them. Your bond can exist despite a change in living arrangements.
Reframing Attachment as a Positive
After you acknowledge the root cause, the next step in overcoming a fear of attachment is to reframing it positively and lean into the idea of making a connection. It is OK for you and your foster child to create a bond: in fact, it is encouraged! When a child is removed from their guardian’s home, they may become withdrawn and lose trust in adults to make them feel secure. Your relationship with a foster child offers a new connection with an adult and can serve as a model for positive relationships in the future. It’s how a child learns to trust and, in turn, further develops emotionally.
Four Things to Consider When You Fear Becoming Attached
Now that we know why fear of attachment comes up for individuals considering being a foster parent, you might be asking the question, “How do I move past it, though?” Here is a guide to four factors to consider when reframing your sentiments about attachment.
#1. Focus on the Child
Fear of attachment can get overwhelming at times. Yet, it can also help recenter you back to the initial reason you were interested in becoming a foster parent in the first place: the child. Children in foster care often have experienced trauma and difficult times. Prioritizing the child’s needs over your anxieties helps put things in perspective.
#2. The Increasing Need for Foster Parents
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, there are over 400,000 children in the foster care system. Agencies throughout the country are in constant need of foster parents willing to open up their home to a child in need. We all want children to have a happy and healthy life, and the support of foster parents is invaluable in ensuring the emotional and physical well-being of children who are faced with out-of-home placement.
#3. Understanding the Difference Between Adoption and Fostering
Some of the misconceptions about foster parenting come from not knowing the difference between foster parenting and adoption. Adoption is a process that involves legally becoming the primary guardian of a child. While many families who provide foster homes do end up adopting, the primary purpose of fostering is to give children a temporary home while they await reunification with their biological families.
#4. The Emotional Reward: Your Role in the Child’s New Family Network
If you fear becoming too attached, you might also consider the emotional reward becoming a foster parent will do for you. Fostering is about giving children the tools to become strong and ultimately independent leaders of tomorrow. As a foster parent, there is a sense of pride in knowing that a child’s success is on the foundations you helped provide. Additionally, you will forever be a part of this child’s network. Feel free to stay connected with the child as you would with any mentee or close relative.
Ultimately, becoming a foster parent is a temporary act of love for families in need. True love involves giving and compassion but also means knowing when to let go. As the song says, if you love somebody, set them free. Consider the main reasons why you want to foster. If those reasons are stronger than the pain you will experience when a child moves on from your care, then you are ready to embark upon this journey.
