By skills trainer, Luis Madera
If your foster child has come out as queer, or if they have expressed doubts and curiosity about their sexual orientation, you might feel that you don’t know how to be supportive. Perhaps you just want to encourage openness on the subject.
Don’t hit the panic button. Here, we’ve put together a list of Do’s and Don’ts that will help you navigate the situation as comfortably and safely as possible.
DO:
Ensure the child that they are in a safe space and that nothing they will say will be used against them or to judge them.
DON’T:
Try to guess who is LGBTQ. It is not helpful for you or your child in this process to guess based on looks or comments who is gay and who isn’t. This will only reinforce stereotypes that might affect the youths’ perspective and behavior in the future.
DO:
Respect the confidentiality of a person who is coming out to you. If your foster child shares their preferences with you, keep in mind that they are doing so because they trust you. Feel free to ask them who else they have shared this with.
DON’T:
Say things like ‘I always knew’ or downplay the significance of their coming out to you. Instead, be an active listener and assure them that your feelings and opinions about them remain the same.
DO:
Show interest in this huge part of their lives they are sharing with you. Ask them how you can best support them and check-in about how they feel once they have shared this news with you.
DON’T:
Don’t assume you know why they came out or assume it’s ok to tell other people. Coming out is a gradual process for some people and it could be detrimental to “out” someone regardless of your intentions.
DO:
Informed yourself and be aware of your own bias. Most of us without even wanting to, are products of a heterosexual dominated society. Collect information about the subject from reliable sources and talk to qualified people who have real-life experience in the matter.
DON’T:
Confuse sexual preference with gender identity. Inform yourself about the difference between gender and sex and the separate roles they play for folks in the LGBTQ community.
DO:
Challenge homophobic remarks and jokes. If you do not speak up when someone uses disparaging remarks about LGBTQ people you are perpetuating injustice through silence.
DON’T:
Ask probing questions or tell them they are confused. This ties back to respecting their confidentiality; a breach of confidence could have detrimental effects on the youth and in some cases it has led to suicide.
DO:
Remind them that you love them and that you are happy they had the confidence to voice their preferred sexual orientation and gender identity.
Don’t forget that your foster care agency will probably have specialists who can help you navigate and explore any subject that might be hard to deal with.
For more information, you can also visit the PFLAG for a family guide or the Glaad website for a number of resources on LGTBQ subjects.
